more decisions

People are asking us to make decisions

the insurance company
soon
will no longer...
pay for the ...

my father wears a breathing mask

many people walk around (you may have seen someone) carrying an oxygen tank with them.
This oxygen ... is constantly blowing extra air into their lungs
my Dad has a sort of... mega version of this

the doctor put it on my Dad when
the oxygen level in his blood
fell

The idea is... that this "machine" will give Dad the extra oxygen he needs because
with the pneumonia he can't... get enough on his own
and the machine would work
while my fathers lungs heal
and the pneumonia is cured

the problem is that my father's body
hasn't made any attempt to cure itself
and
since he was recently on hospice care
the insurance company
...
doesn't want to pay for the machine...
because... it would only pay if... there was a chance of improvement.

o you understand?

The doctor doesn't seem to think that my Dad will get better.

so basically... this machine prolongs his life
for no reason
because he'll never improve enough
to live without the machine...

They want to remove it
they want us to say... remove the machine

My father would not die right away...
he still breaths on his own

what would happen is
he'd... struggle to get enough oxygen

little by little his body would...
I don't know...
shut down... because he couldn't feed his blood...

when it got to the point were he would feel pain or discomfort
they'd give him morphine

it'd be a ... waiting period
a time of... watching and waiting...

I really thought this would all be so different. I thought that ... we'd care for him... and make him as ... happy as we could... and one... spring sunny day.... he'd peacefully die. He'd fall asleep and never wake again...

that's how I thought it would happen

But so much of what makes my father is missing
now its as if
he ... resembles an animal... a deer who has been hit by a car
and is dying on the side of the road...

nothing but fear in its eye
does it want to die?
It struggles... it attempts to remain
it searches around itself for hope
it moans in distress and fear
its heart races
its eyes bulge
terror makes it shiver

its nothing like i thought it would be
not in any way
I am so afraid
Im telling no one but you
I am afraid

you can leave comments here if you'd like
but in the real world I don't want to talk about this
I fear for him
for the empty bleakness of his life and death
I am afraid for myself
i feel like i traverse the edge of death with him
i feel like I can see the land of death inside his eyes
the world empties out
the night becomes a cell
sound lifelessly vibrates
air freezes motionless

it feels like there is a part of me that dies as well