day 58 pea brain

Dad is scheduled to return tomorrow
and
the tests returned and
No infections teem in his blood
and
his lung xray shows the pneumonia is gone


although this is good news
I worry
he is basically (health-wise) back to where he stood 5 weeks ago.

But he hasn't returned yet in other ways.

He has not spoken
he barely opens his eyes
he doesn't move his body much

remember when he first arrived
and I sat beside his bed
and for hours he spoke
and spoke
and spoke
and it was painful to hear him
call out for help
and ask to be dead...
I didn't think anything could be worse

now he says nothing
nothing is actually worse.

This is going way to fast for me...
the blog is supposed to document a decline
not a....
explosion toward death
that's how it feels
not steps
but LEAPS towards death... I am so conflicted about how I feel

I want him to SPEAK
I want...
him to die peacefully

I want him to LAUGH and SAY my NAME

I want him to close his eyes and sleep

I want him to enjoy EATING

I want him to have a stomach tube....

the only thing I am certain of is
I want this to END



Bubble has been diagnosed with lymes disease.
this is extremely painful to me
3 weeks ago I noticed a small red blotch on her stomach
for 2 days she was listless and slept a lot.
Then my dad went into the hospital
so I didn't get her to the vet until yesterday.
The blood test came back positive for Lyme's (a disease brought on by ticks very prevalent in NJ)

Luckily we caught it quite early.
The remedy is simple
3 weeks of antibiotics

it can reoccur later in her life
but the fact that we are treating it so soon
is a good indication
that it won't come back

I FEEL AWFUL
cause I brought her here... she's fine really
I mean, after those 2 days she's been her regular self

School is turning out to be.... BEYOND ME
listen to my current paper due on Monday:

The American Renaissance was intensely aware of the past. At the same time, it was intensely aware of the forces of change. It was a period of great industrialization that would end with the Civil War.

• Construct a strong, specific, and sufficiently narrow thesis analyzing how the tension between past, present, and future emerges in the writer’s work. You should support all claims with examples from the writer’s work. No sources beyond the textbook are required, but you may use such sources if you choose.

• Focus your analysis on any single topic that emerges in your analysis of your selected author. For example, you may write on any of the topics below. You may also select a focus of your own.


huh?