drugs

At the moment I have a break from my online university
and Dad remains in the hospital
It snowed like crazy yesterday
I feel the opposite from how I felt a few weeks ago

All I wanted was a break
now I have a looong one

I did shovel a lot of snow this morning
made a crazy maze for the dogs (It's cute... I let them out and they keep running in circles through the maze... the snow is too high for them to run across it so they continue to go round and round.

I am trying to write
and by this I mean
short stories
but I get stuck about
2 paragraphs in
I am useless without a deadline

We visited my father today
He wore a new... breathing mask
turns out his oxygen levels have been low (90 is good... he was 60)
this mask
helps force oxygen into his lungs
And after we left
the hospital called us
and asked us if they could begin to give Dad morphine
they say that he is very uncomfortable
that he is overworking himself in his attempts to breath

my father has this strange problem
his nose is congested
but he refuses to breath through his mouth
so he has to... push? to get air into and out of his stuffed up nose
when he relaxes he uses his mouth
and then breathing is much simpler for him...
hopefully
on the morphine
he will breath properly
so we told them yes

what would you do?

Nothing is right
It's this damned pneumonia
If he didn't have it
he'd be here

i think he should be here

I want him to die here
to be here
to have us around him
no matter how little he recognizes
if there is a slight chance
a 3 second awareness
an opening of his eyes
a whispered word
Id like to be there

My mom is a mess as well.
She hears "morphine" and can only think of my Aunt
who was given too much morphine
by an assistant living nurse
and died
my mom thinks she died too early
and blames it on the morphine.
I am just worried that my dad
will only be okay while on the morphine
and once we start
he'll never come off.