day 64

recently dad...
he doesn't move.
sometimes... his muscles spasm
like a duck decoy to another duck
for a moment it seems real
and then the hunters gun sounds
a distinctive rumble
and the bullet lodges in your heart

he isn't moving unless I move him.
he is...
breathing
but
his breath is a series of gasps
sucks
of atmosphere
into his
congested nostrils (he refuses to use his mouth)

he only react when he is moves
and his reaction is...
a sort of...
whine
pain
despair.

I changed him tonight
and
I had to move him
to get him more onto
the protective pad underneath him
I moved him as if he were a large baby
I cradled him in my arms
his hand
grabbed my hand
this was a voluntary movement)
and he held my arm
and...
I broke down
I cradled him
his hand on my arm
my face buried in his shoulder
I rocked him
and held him
and whispered
"be brave... be brave daddy... be brave"
and wept...wept....wept