Dad is not improving
we met with the doctor today
he told us this:

Normally when people have a cold or fluid in their lungs
they cough
and coughing
is what actually cures them.

you cough and that propels the fluid from your lungs into your throat.

Dad's not coughing
so the fluid remains inside his lungs

Dad's other problem is swallowing
we gave him a peg tube
because he couldn't swallow properly anymore

but now it's become worse
Dad is not swallowing his own saliva

even though we do not feed him
he doesn't "eat" food
he adds to his own problem
even when he secretes saliva or bile

Does this disease get any worse?!
these little natural things we all do without thinking (and I am not one of those people to say... next time you swallow don't take it for granted... OF COURSE WE TAKE SWALLOWING FOR GRANTED ITS WHAT MAKES US HUMAN) are profound.
Swallowing is profound... as well as understanding when someone calls your name
or
not touching fire because it burns
or
coughing
these little things
deepen our life experience
they
support us
they define

peeing
crapping
basic so basic so important

who cares about health care in America
who cares what country owns the North Pole
who cares what Aunt Teresa said about grandma

what about BREATHING THROUGH YOUR MOUTH
when
YOUR NOSE IS STOPPED UP

these are the things... these are life...

I am... dumfounded
how much can actually be stolen from us
ripped away
beyond love, beyond hope.... breathing and urination and digestion and secretion

let him

I bend my... humanity
drop it like lead
to the altar of sanity
i pray pray pray
do not
take more away

let him
die die die
offer my
passion and
rational
thought

give him a draught
of rest
thought thought thought
stop
his beating breast

take nothing more
BUT HIS LIFE
end this knife
edged feeling of hope
woe woe woe
no no no
cease his blood
floe floe floe

my fingers shrivel in
rage rage rage
my anger is
savage savage savage
let him DIE
him
and not what's to
come
let him feel
numb numb numb
and
nothing