Alone

I am the only one who goes willing into my father's room.
It's true

it makes me feel so alone



my mother always asks me, "Do you need any help?'
But
unless I say yes
she doesn't enter.
I never walk into his room
to find another standing above him.
I feel I am
the one true witness to his demise
besides he himself.

Can you understand how that feels
to be made by circumstances
the only one
to see something as small
as a new red mark
on the skin of his body

to count the breaths he struggles to produce

to watch his chest rise and fall as if a battle is being wage among his ribs

to see his USELESS legs
always bent
always crushed beneath his weight.

to be the only one to greet him
at moments of half-lucense
try to put on a smile
that can find no way to be true

today his eyes were open for a moment
and I said
"Dad what do you want?"
he looked at me... and began to... whisper nothings
I tried to understand
I said
"Do you want to die?"
and his hand shot out and grabbed my arm. Honestly one of the only physical actions I've seen out of him since he returned.
Whether it meant yes or no
only matters to a recorder of events
because no matter what the answer is
there is nothing I can do to hasten one
or
to make the other pleasanter...