before and now

I think I've told you that my father was a gardener and landscape artist.
We live on 7 and a half acres of land
covered in forest
with some small glades
intermittently spaced throughout the property
a few years ago
my father and his friend
dug a pond out back in one of the glades
and rigged a little waterfall to it
which you could switch on up at the house
It would take about 3 or 4 minutes
but soon there'd be a steady
almost natural sounding
stream of water
gently falling into the pond.
Within the dark water
lived frogs
bugs
several gold fish (Dad and I used to name them after dead relatives as a joke)
There also grew an assortment of water plants often including
stolen water lilies
taken from the Pine Barrens
a state run park
not too far from us.
There were irises as well
and other
nameless things
(nameless because I don't have the knowledge. Dad could name them all)
He delighted in new unknown plants
which he would acquire (sometimes buy... sometimes find... sometimes be given)
these would decorate the borders around the pond.
Colorful things... surprising things... oddly shaped and hairy looking things
something always bloomed throughout the spring and summer
beyond this array
stood taller species of bushes... A butterfly bush (which attracts butterflies) and a prickly looking bush... and a bush with white flowers that had a constant party of bees buzzing around inside of it
their buzzes mixing with the sound of the tinkling water.
Much of this flora still resides around the pond (which is now black and lifeless... anything alive inside it must be the bravest, most enduring, roughest type of living thing that could also live on the moon.)
Everything is overgrown and mixed with weeds so that in the warmer months a novice outdoorsman like me doesn't know what to pull and what to keep... and just gives up
The wires are still there as well.
These either ran up to the house into the switchbox which turned on the pond
or connected to now buried small lamps that were lovingly placed by my father.
Our Dog Pebbles fell in as a puppy
and my oldest niece as well (when she was 2 I think)
The "friend" who helped my father build the pond (who my father actually worked for 4 ten years) has not come to visit my father since he noticed the onset of the Alzheimer Disease about 6 years ago.
Many of his friends have abandoned him.
I say abandoned because its true
most people have decided he is no longer there
imagine
who is your closest friend?
Can you imagine
you go to visit them
and all they do is stare out a window
or babble and spit
or repeat the same 5 words over and over
or only moan in pain and try to get out of a seat
could you handle it?
Could you find a reason to still call them friend?

And yet, i wish they would.
Part of me thinks that as each friend goes a way
bits of dad go away as well
so that it is not only an internal force that leads to his demise
but
a lack of an external force as well...

Do I judge his friends too harshly?
Do I judge people to harshly?
I judge myself harshly
so maybe I do them as well...

I have visited relatives who have been very sick
Its the closest I can come to what this must feel like to other people
I am too young for any of my friends to be... in this situation
and
many of my friends live on other continents.

The grounds are neglected as well
and like my father
they've become confused
and unclear
they keep trying to grow and live
but there is only a vestige of sense
a whisper of structure

This spring
Im going to try

and make the garden grow again