October 18th Day 9 Mom and Me

one of my very first memories (I was 3 years old)
my Mom sat me down on the hood of our green and brown station wagon (it had a pop-up seat in the wagon for 2 kids... the kind of seat that faces the rear window so you could watch all the places you've already passed receding into the distance... it was cool). I remember we were playing a simple rhyming game.
She said
"bed"
I said
"red!"
she said
"mat"
I said
"cat!"

you get it?

we all do these things... most of us probably have memories like that. As warm as the hood of the station wagon after baking in the sun for a few hours...

That's love I think... and when I think it... that's love too

so there we are
mom and me
warmed by the sun and the love
and that's how we've stayed
hardly ever a fight
hardly an angry word
mostly smiles
and laughter
and doing things together


well... there was that time
I had stopped going to church with her
and she was upset with me
and one day (I ... did you ever see the film... through a glass darkly by Bergman... I was that boy... at that time)
I said to her
"Can you really believe in some guy
up there
waiting for us to die
and then letting us sit around on a cloud
forever with no problems
everything okay
that's not true.'
and she became very angry with me (maybe the first time ever) and she said
"I know it Kevin. But that's not why I go to church."

and that was it....

we sulked separately
and then hugged each other

well... now we've reached a new obstacle
working together (or trying to work together)
to take care of my father is proving to be
one of the most painful and difficult experiences for the two of us
and our relationship.

dealing with this man who is my father
her husband
is difficult enough
but dealing with each other?

We have never been so angry as we are now
never yelled so much
never became so frustrated and walked away so many times because we just couldn't handle the situation.

I hope it makes us stronger
I refuse to let it destroy us
I still love her as much
as that day in the driveway
with the sun on the green hood
in 1971