Day 47

I learned something today...
This is a thing which can only be learned by experience.
Personal experience yields different knowledge to an individual
maybe my experience teaches me something
someone else has learned in a different way
or maybe
the same experience would teach somebody else
or even myself at a different time in my life
a different lesson altogether

Here is what I learned

To be an adult is not to be given responsibility

Yo be an adult is to acknowledge that there is a responsibility to be taken
and to accept that you, (the instant adult) are the best one present to handle that responsibility.
In the acceptance is the transition from child to adult

Today my mother and I went to visit my father at the hospital.
His blood is better.
His cough is gone.

However... he does not seem to be swallowing properly
nor even swallow at all.

We listened to a lot of doctor talk.
We asked our questions...
then it was time to make some decisions.
I called my sister... I called dad's family doctor
I looked at my mom... inside pleading for her to take control...
I found solace no where
I found support... but no answers

I realized in that moment
those moments
that there is no one else willing
or able to make those decisions
I told myself
You arethe decision maker
what you decide now will impact the future
you have no control over the future
only the present
so take that control

and I did. And it felt strange
I could feel something leave me... and something else enter.

Next week (unless by some miracle Dad begins swallowing again) Dad will have a tube connected directly to his stomach
through which we will feed him.
This is a big deal
because it means
1. He will no longer eat (eating is about the last human pleasure he takes part in)
and
2. It is the beginning of the end. By doing this we set in motion a series of events which lead to his decline.

And in today's situation... I was the one who had to say the... "yes, that's best." and the "I think we shoulds..."

This isn't me... but now it is

I feel so alone