a new kind of exhaustion

I thought taking care of my father was tiring
planning a funeral is more so

yesterday we woke
in a daze
we had a 1pm appointment at the funeral home
Its the same place that Aunt A and Uncle G and many of the other people in my father's family had used

The funeral home is across the street from a church
down the street from where my father's family used to have their farm
around the corner from the park
which used to be the home of Mr Sayens where my father gardened and listened to shakespeare
across from the park was the place my father worked for 35 years
In the winter when my Dad was a boy
his family would ride to church in a horse drawn sled
their farm was on land which now has a McDonalds a bank lots of shops and restaurants
a few blocks away stands a corner deli
it used to be Smith's Deli owned by my grandparents
not too far away was the place where my father once saw a dead man
their house was the first on the street to have plumbing
can you imagine that?
so much change in my father's lifetime
This is the only funeral home for him
nothing else would work

it's an odd experience
the way you are talked to by the staff
so much.... weird... almost fake concern
so much money
for almost ridiculous reasons.
shopping for coffins like shopping for cars

open them up and check out the interiors

I hope I don't offend
but then there is an accessory section
little decorations made of ceramic to put at the corners of the coffin (Like a fish and a hook coming out of some blue water)
knitted sort of... backboards with pictures of american flags or golf clubs or crosses

How do you navigate this bizarre experience?
How do you choose a coffin?
who cares... really
My father is dead
should we choose the bronze or the gray?
wood or metal?
my father had alzheimer disease
a ceramic garden trough?
my father died because his lungs could not give him enough oxygen
half or full lid?

then today we had to choose a mausoleum. My mom's idea. SHe is afraid she won't actually be dead when they bury her.
She wants a mausoleum so that if she wakes up
it'll be easier to get out.
I told her we'll put her cel phone in with her
just give us a call if she needs help opening the crypt
"entombment" they call it

The choice was good
its in a section of the cemetery which faces a different cemetery across a street.
In this cemetery is my mother's relatives (the catholics)
across the street my father's
(baptists)
the tomb is high enough that he can look over at his family

it also happens to be facing where my mother's mother is buried
so its nice for her as well.

tons of family members
friends
people we don't know
are calling or stopping by
actually they are stopping by my sister's house because we end up being there quite often
people are saying the most amazing things
its very nice... really
a death sort of... brings people back to reality
they take a moment to think
and say what they mean
you connect with people over this death which has happened
I think people become a little afraid
and they reach out to each other

my father is an end of an era
its difficult to explain but true
with him dies a whole wealth of stories and memories
no one else can tell them
no one else was there and lives to tell about it
the stage curtain goes down
the book gets closed
sure there is a sequel always is
but its rarely the same is it?