11:35 PM

Dad died

a nurse from the hospice unit called us at about 10:45
She told us that Dad's skin felt cold, he breathed rapidly even after morphine and that his feet were turning purple
apparently the purple feet is a big sign of approaching death
Mom had to go to the toilet
I called my sister and told her
she was in a daze because I woke her up
she had to go to the toilet
she called back

we all decided to go to the hospital
as we were leaving the house
we got another call

Dad had died

we went to see him anyway

Im angry
I wanted so badly to be with him at the end

how was it for him
how did it feel?
could he recognize that we weren't there with him?

did it hurt?
did he give up? or boldly let go?

was he afraid or at peace?

I'll never know

when we arrived his skin shone white
like new paper
his eyes closed
but
his mouth wide open
when a person dies all the muscles in the body relax
the mouth goes loose
the jaws separate
you can't keep the lips together... it's not possible to just close his mouth
because it'll just fall open again
his muscles were still soft
I rubbed his arm
and his leg
but his face
to be honest
looked... scary
white and gaping
his chest looked like it moved up and down
really
His face looked dead
but his body still seemed to live
it was so odd

and then I just wanted to leave the room
get in the car
come home
sleep

tomorrow we have a meeting at the funeral home
Ill continue to write about this experience


He is named Kenneth Calvin Smith
He always hated the name Calvin
I think its lovely
He was a 6th generation American
German English Irish mix
He loved horses and gardening
he could talk to anyone
told wonderful stories
had friends everywhere
whenever he got mad he'd say
"We're moving to Virginia!"
which used to frighten me more than anything
he hated snakes
once boasted that he'd eat anything but anchoves
he old great jokes
loved to travel
liked to learn... watched the history channel a lot
he had alzheimer disease
and
parkinson disease
and
lyme's disease
he was an amazing father
a good friend
a dedicated husband

i love him