My father

Kenneth Calvin Smith was born April 10th 1935.
He had 3 brothers, two sisters
His oldest sister Alice, 20 years older than him, took more of a mothering role in his life
he had many dogs and horses
ate corn directly from the stalk
became a champion yoyo-er
and lived an epic life passionately

His existence would span an era
He was born at his farmhouse
with only a midwife to aid his mother in the birth
they had a telephone with a crank (the kind where you spoke to the town operator and said something like... "Jane? Hi, it's Elizabeth. Can you ring Harold Owens for me?")
He attended dances in barns
swing your partner dosey do kinda stuff

the first family on their street to install plumbing
the first to have a television
before the TV my father would listen to the radio for entertainment

He had dyslexia
never learned how to read his entire life
children would ridicule him at school
he was sent to his Aunt's house everyday
she taught at school and tutored my father
to no avail
it felt like jail to him

He got a job in a rubber company
met the magic gardener
learned how to garden
while listening to Shakespeare

He would ask one girl's hand in marriage
she'd accept
the next day he'd find that her father would not allow the engagement
she never spoke to him again

his first car was black and had fins

a pushy neighbor across the street
would turn out to have a pretty sister in law
who he'd use to entice my father into a date
my father would accept
and the two would go ice skating
well she would stand on the ice
fearful of falling
and he'd skate around her
tell her jokes
make her smile
her fear would leave her
but she'd refused to do any skating

3 months later they were engaged

He had red flaming hair
new morning blue eyes
a smile so long you could ride it
an arc so deep the momentum would send you flying off the other side

he developed the ability to talk to anyone about anything
he had a daughter
who he'd bond with in a way he'd never thought possible with a girl
they'd understand each other in the same mysterious way
an understanding surpassing words
no need for them
only an undertaking together
focused on a singular passion
horses and riding

he had a son
who'd be more of a puzzle to him
he'd struggle to understand this kid
be proud of him in a removed way
feel a little jealous of the boys relationship with his mother

He'd have a feeling of uselessness
he'd look around him and see no hope
he'd take too many prescription drugs
almost die one night
be sent to a clinic
be gone for 3 months

He'd return
refuse to talk about it
make some silent decision
everything would change then
and never go back

one day he'd realize
the son was so much like him
when he'd get angry at the boy
it'd be like he was angry at himself
after that
he had nothing but love for his two kids
he'd follow them, at a distance
being involved in everything they'd let him be involved in

he'd garden like mad
build castles with plants
whole other alien worlds
fantastical landscapes
ever changing
never neglected

years would pass
he'd watch it all unfurl
always be amazed by it
always try to understand it better
he'd anticipate two grand daughters
he'd count so many joys
his red hair would fade to silver
very few sorrows
there were some regrets mixed in
his was not a perfect life
but they were small and powerless

then his mind changed
grew pock-marked
difficult to navigate
frustration led to anger
anger became puzzlement
soon all the amazing things he'd done and seen
smelled and felt
lived through
would mix together and become something else
he'd loose abilities
no more gardens
no more horses
no more dancing

for a time he'd still be able to keep people entertained
to tell stories like a master
to talk about anything

but that would fade to
and so would his thoughts
his walking
his ability to eat
his ability to move
his ability to breath

and then there'd be nothing left to amaze him
nothing left to enthrall
so he'd let go
separate
become an essence

The man taught me how to live
so much of what I've become I owe to him
so much of what I am proud of
are only shadows of him
I have the shadow of his smile as well
n my life
whenever I made a decision
which to most would seem bizarre
or at least
out of the ordinary (and I made many of those)
He'd throw his arms up in the air
scrunch up his face in a sort of "isn't it obvious?" kind of way
and say
"You have to do what you want"
and I have
I continue to
my life has been blessed by it, and by knowing him
4 simple words
do what you want

I turn to him in my mind
i turn to his tomb
i turn to his empty room
to his photo on my wall

thank you thank you thank you