What's Worse

I really wish I could get this blog out to more people
It's not that I have delusions of fame
although I do dream that someday I'll write something... anything
and publish it
I just think that what is happening to me
must be happening to others
and that maybe I and my family could benefit
by input from other people in our situation
and that maybe they could benefit from our experience as well...
But how do I find other people... on the internet... who are in a similar situation/
You would think things like that would be easy
but I find the internet to be so damned... difficult
every thing is for a price
or marketing
where did the "real" internet go?
Are there still chat rooms and stuff?

Tonight I helped my father go to the toilet.
It was a big job...
took three of us.
I am a bit concerned about how we will manage it
when it is just me and my Mom
and our tiny bathroom.
I thought that it would be the most difficult thing for me to deal with
I mean... seeing your own father's bowel movement... wiping him afterward... putting on his new diaper (Mom calls them "shorts". She denies that they are anything else. They are not shorts... shorts are something you can wear on the subway... you can go to work in some places wearing shorts... shorts are fashionable and come in different hues. These are not shorts. They are diapers.)
It isn't so terrible though. I find it's actually easy to slip into professional mode during those moments. Here's the job... thi is what you have to do. 1, 2, 3 it's done.

What is most difficult to me is... looking into his eyes and seeing confusion... disorientation... fear. He can look at you when he is at the bottom... look right into you and shake his head a little as the wrinkles on his forehead increase and deepen... and whisper (as if it is only to you alone) "I want to die"

What reply?
What comes after that.
It isn't 1, 2, 3

Math is meaningless in this moment. I just put my hand on his... try to bravely face him with a... determined half smile... I say

"No you don't"

and I know how much it doesn't help
I know it's not right to say
not wrong either
but not right
because there is no reply