Playing monopoly with my nieces
while my father stared into the darkness of his room
occasionally calling out
or having a conversation with no one
or crying
It was late
dark
and hearts were dark too
a sort of morose feeling swept over the house
as the dice rolled
I began to feel flashback
to days in University
when I smoked marijuana
and time flattened out
time no longer linked itself in seconds
but one moment joined another
2 hours further into the night
segments came and went and connections made these bridges across the darkness
That's how the game felt to me
I was highly aware of every move
but not with my focus
but with the peripheral vision of my mind
at the same time
I was connected to my father
and the fear that he would call out in need
and that I'd have to answer the call
and a deep exhaustion lay on me
last night was terrible
from 4am onward
my father experienced horrible things
so horrible that
when my mother and I tried to help him
he lashed out at us
a gentle hand on his shoulder
became the firey touch of a dark angel
our concerned looks
terrible angry leers
from hideous heavenly faces
our words of encouragement
seemed to him
acid spit from churning lungs
no matter what we did
turned to evil.
Im going to try to write tis better tomorrow.
I have to try again
because my nieces are going to sleep in the room with the computer
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