long silence

I have not written in a long time.
Maybe it is because I had nothing to say. Maybe it is because I am beginning to feel lost and old and worthless.
I have not worked in over a year.
Its not because of Dad or anything. Sadly his memory is fading along with my strong connection to the Czech Republic.
I have been writing though.
Not here on this blog, I don't know why but it felt wrong. Finished. It felt as if it weren't functioning.
I have an extremely long short story I want to share with you, but Ill wait for a bit.
This winter I decided to apply to Graduate school.
I applied to TCNJ for an MAT in English (Teaching masters 2ndary ed.)
But I also--on a whim that became a desire a "whisire"--applied to LSU and UCF for

tension filled
moment of
waiting

creative writing.

I sent three stories. And two letters of intent.
Today I am going to post my LSU letter of intent and the reply I have just received from them.


LETTER:

Eighteen months ago, I returned to my childhood home to care for my father. He had advanced Alzheimer Disease. Accepting the role of my father’s primary caretaker began a difficult transition for me. I relied on my writing to retain a connection to a creative source. Writing became more than a pastime. After the death of my father, I was left with a legacy of short stories. Many of these reflect my father and his life experience. Without the release writing brought to me during his illness, I may not have been able to maintain my own inner health. One of my goals is to research and explore Alzheimer Disease and represent it in fiction. A second literary goal deals with my father specifically. I wish to write work worthy of him, his life, and the life of human beings in general; we deserve to be explored, examined, and immortalized in the written word.
Before returning home, I worked in Italy, Japan, and The Czech Republic. My years abroad teaching not only introduced me to a variety of different cultures, it also enabled me to view my culture—and myself—through new eyes. Teaching also effected me deeply. I discovered a gift for connecting with young people, creating an environment for them to learn. I believe that through writing, people (especially young people) can develop confidence, change positively, gain support through difficult times, hone argumentative skills, and improve vocabulary. I recognize what writing has done for me. My wish is to introduce others to the anodyne writing can bring. A second goal of mine is to teach creative writing as a tool for empowerment and use it to bolster self-esteem for young people.
My childhood also influences my character and voice. I grew up in a small town in Southern New Jersey. Jacobstown represents an ever-shrinking specimen of a particular type of Americana. Next door an old man used to live in a barn. He took showers under a hose and slept on a cot in an empty horse’s stall. Now a family of three lives on that lot in a gigantic 3-story home. Every Christmas, their lawn shines brighter than the aurora. The backwater “pineland” of my youth has been reformed into an ordered, modern rusticity, and both of these influences have effected my life and writing. I see the world in a contrasting flux between loss and progress. I try to retain the benefits and eccentricities of the past while embracing the possibility of the future. A further goal of mine is to capture the metamorphosis that my generation has witnessed.
The creative writing program at LSU can enable me to obtain my goals. Taking a glimpse at the diversity and experience of your staff, I am both awed by their prowess and thirsty for a chance to be taught by them. LSU offers so many opportunities to its students, I would be a fool not to attempt applying. Even the mere possibility of entering your program inspires me to improve. Kevin Smith


REPLY:

Mr. Smith,

I write to inform you that you are not among the small handful of applicants admitted to our graduate program for the upcoming academic year. I should explain that this year we received not only a large number of applicants but a large number of good, well-qualified applicants – more, in fact, than ever before. In evaluating the applications, the admissions committee considered many different factors. After lengthy and careful consideration, final decisions have now been made.

I thank you for your interest in LSU, and wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Sharon Aronofsky Weltman
Professor and Director of Graduate Studies

*******************************************************************************************

I'm not surprised, just disheartened. I don't really know where I am headed, but an acceptance into a program like LSU would have delayed the need to know. A new journey focussing on a new aspect of myself would have kept my life magical. Now, I feel like the Wizard of Oz after Toto pulls back the curtain to reveal me. A thin, mediocre looking man who can't even get his cheap, disheveled, vociferating machine to function properly. Yes, he has some good advice but after a few moments thought, most of what he says is not only obvious but has been said so many times before.

I wonder if any of you are still out there reading?
Doesn't matter much.
The effort is what counts.